5 Ways to Build Trust, According to an FBI Behavioral Analysis Expert
Trust — it’s a relationship essential. Our bonds with family, friends, spouses, partners, and business associates quickly dissolve without it.
But how does trust develop? And how can we best communicate to build it?
Robin Dreeke, a former Chief of the FBI’s Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program, has some suggestions. In the FBI, he recruited spies. His job was to approach people he didn’t know and gain their trust immediately. He’s an expert on leadership, communication, and building rapport.
So what are his tools? An intricate set of FBI spy tactics and tricks that will dismantle a person’s psyche and manipulate them into liking you?
Not at all.
We gain trust by listening, asking questions, and not interrupting. It’s that simple.
Or is it? Many studies show that we overestimate how good we are at listening. Most of us aren’t as good as we think.
According to Scientific American, people (on average) spend 60% of conversations talking about themselves. Brain scans show that their brain’s dopamine systems light up when they do — the same systems that “have been linked to the pleasurable feelings and motivational states associated with such stimuli as sex, cocaine, and good food.” We really enjoy talking about ourselves.
So good that we sometimes interrupt people with our superior opinions, great stories, and tangential remarks.
Distracted listening and interrupting seed distrust — each communicates to people that what they say is not important. Talking about ourselves excessively can push people away.
What can we do to improve? In Dreeke’s books, he establishes guidelines to enhance communication, rapport, and trust in every relationship we have. The following are some of his most important rules, and advice on putting them into action.
- Suspend your ego
Everyone has ego (at varying levels). Examples in conversations include self-absorbed chatter, correcting others, one-upping, and interrupting.
Dreeke’s advice? When that amazing story, comment, correction, or opinion you want to interrupt with pops into your head — don’t say it. Let it go from your mind and just listen. Don’t even save it for later — discard it completely.
He acknowledges that this might feel weird at first. But think about how you feel when someone interrupts your story to tell you their even better story. Not so good. In conversations, let the other person have their moment.
What’s the best way to suspend our ego? Everyone can improve their listening skills. Leadership experts Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman explain that the best listeners do four things:
- Periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight
- Make the other person feel supported and convey confidence in them
- Refrain from using silence to prepare the next response
- Find moments to give suggestions or feedback
If we’re focusing on the other person and actively listening, our ego pauses.
2. Seek people’s thoughts and opinions
Dreeke says that you don’t build trust by telling people what you think — you build it by asking them what they think. Who do you trust more — the person who constantly preaches their infallible views, or the person who wants to know your opinion?
People feel valued when we take interest in their perspective. Plus, we learn about what motivates them, what they cherish, and how they formulate their ideas.
How can we be better at seeking people’s thoughts and opinions? Ask questions and be curious. A Harvard study showed that “asking questions that follow up on another person’s responses may cause and convey better listening, understanding, validation, and care.”
The study also noted, “because most people spend the majority of their conversations sharing their own views rather than focusing on the other person…most people do not anticipate the benefits of question-asking and do not ask enough questions.”
Since most people aren’t great at asking questions, you’ll stand out if you are. And people will know you’re listening.
3. Talk in terms of people’s priorities
Think about what’s most important to you. Family? Friends? Kids? Career? Some other passion? Think about how you feel when someone asks about your interests (your job, or favorite hobbies, musicians, sports teams, books, movies) or asks how your kids are doing. People usually light up.
To build trust, Dreeke says it’s important to discover what people’s priorities are. When you show interest in those priorities, you’re showing them that you notice what’s meaningful to them and that you care.
Pay attention to what people talk about most. What or who do they keep bringing up? What do they show the most excitement about? Ask them to tell you more about those things.
4. Validate people non-judgmentally
This may be the most difficult rule because human beings are wired to judge. But when we feel judged, we become very uncomfortable. No one wants to feel judged.
Instead, validate people. Do your best to understand them, even if you don’t agree with them. Recognize the complexity of their thoughts and feelings.
When we cease judging, people feel comfortable opening up to us. They don’t fear condescension, humiliation, or alienation. They know they’ll be treated with respect.
Learn to explore and understand people’s context. Dreeke points out that the broader his understanding of context is, the less he finds himself making judgments.
Try to understand why the person behaves the way they do. What was their childhood like? What experiences shaped them? How do they see the world? The better we can understand each individual, the more relatable they become, and the less likely we are to judge them.
5. Empower people with choices
When we give people choices, they feel liberated. When we demand, they feel trapped. If you’re offering or asking for something, always give people choices.
Be flexible and accommodating. No one likes ultimatums or pressure. You probably don’t want people making decisions for you, so give others a chance to choose. They’ll appreciate you for it.
Follow these guidelines, and you’ll build trust in your relationships.
You may be thinking “This is easy — I already do all of this.” But start paying close attention in your upcoming conversations. You may find yourself struggling to not interrupt or to stop judging. Not to worry — like everything, these techniques take practice.
No one is perfect, so we can’t expect to follow these guidelines 100% of the time. Do your best to implement them as much as you can. You’ll stand out from the crowd, and people will find you reliable, trustworthy, and a great conversationalist.
And what about you? Do you ever get to express your thoughts and feelings? How will anyone get to know you if you make everything about them? Dreeke addressed these questions on a recent podcast appearance. He says don’t worry — if getting to know you is important to them, they’ll put the effort in. They’ll listen, ask questions, and validate you.
And if they don’t? Dreeke has advice about that too: manage your expectations. He says to approach each interaction with “no expectation of reciprocity.” We’re not learning these skills to get something from people or to manipulate — we’re learning them because we want to be, as Dreeke puts it, an “available resource for the success and prosperity of others.” Whether they reciprocate or not.
Dreeke says that building trust and rapport “is not about how you make people feel about you. It’s about how you make them feel about themselves.” Keeping that philosophy in mind can only change our relationships for the better.
